omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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