she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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