Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
