Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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