pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
as a side note pls kill me
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
