I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
