There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just google imaged poop.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize