I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
