Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
