I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i think i just lost a toe
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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