come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
so much tequila, so little girl.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
