She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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