While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
