I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
