You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
