you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
