I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
