I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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