When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
