You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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