I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
