my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
