I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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