my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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