I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
