Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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