I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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