Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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