sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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