next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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