Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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