i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
