you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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