Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
