with your own penis?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
