The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
well you can't waste a boner
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
