I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Why can't burritos get me drunk
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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