You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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