I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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