Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
