I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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