I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize