My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
