How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
