My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
