oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
