remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
