Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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