my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize