i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
