i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
