how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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