Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
