Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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